If I Could Slap Anyone. . . .
Because my friend lives so many miles away I occasionally imagine what having conversations with her would be like if we were in the same room. The latest one ended something like this
Me: Have a dinner party with three historical figures. You have to be more specific.
Her:What do you mean?
Me: Like, are they already dead and their ghost is dining with me or something? Would they be aware of whats happened since their death by watching from heaven or do I have to find a translator and invite them too while explaining what the food is. Or maybe its some form of time travel.Can I tell them something at an earlier point of their life and change history. So if I want XX Stalin, and Hitler I can just poison the dinner or does that then change the timeline and mean that the dinner never happened. Or maybe they’re simply participating in our conversation vie dream so I can’t actually kill them. What about minor things like I’m restricted to being vague so I don’t give away the future. Perhaps I could have a serial killer over, a detective, and a torture specialist so we can finally figure out where all of those bodies are buried.
Ok, here’s what we’ll do: I can’t kill anyone or have dinner with them. New question. If you could slap any five people in the face throughout all of history at any point of time, who would they be? Remember that you can’t pick a moment of great importance and you don’t get to say anything with spoilers. It’s up to you, my slap bet commissioner.
Me: Now that I’ve asked the question I must answer it to the best of my ability. So who I would hit without changing the timeline. It’s hard to choose because there are so many people, but here are a few. For the sake of whatever I won’t use any religious and or cult leaders.
1.Myself from yesterday. Not only would I get to experience the same moment of time travel twice, but I could test my self defense skills. In fact the past me might be the one doing the slapping.
2. King James author of Demonology. While he did write a book to talk about the process of a proper witch trial to prevent innocents from dying, the opposite happened. He assumed that people would actually read the book and commence with a (at the time) fair trail, but mostly everyone just read the trial and started to accuse the old women they didn’t like of being witches. His intentions were good, but he still deserves a hard slap.
3. Lew Wallace author of Ben Hur. I just don’t like him as a person.
4. Legitimate rape dude Todd Akin. Words have power, and he shouldn’t have a mouth. So many people actually took him seriously and for years to come defense cases will quote him as an ‘expert’ in order to let the guilty go free.
Her: I’m so confused right now.
Yes, that’s exactly how our conversation would go.